From black to grey

I haven't been writing much lately. Not that I haven't been thinking. Quite the opposite, I feel like I do nothing but think, hour after hour. My heart is still in a million pieces and I yearn for my child desperately. I'm not yet at a point, where I've accepted that our son has passed. …

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Comprehending the incomprehensible

As every day ticks by, we get closer and closer to my due date. The 15th of November. Despite everything, that has happened, there are still days, were I simply can't comprehend what has happened.  Our baby isn't coming in one month.  Our baby has already arrived and came so soon, that there wasn't anything …

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Feeling inadequate 

Everyday it seems and feels like everyone is either pregnant or have just welcomed their little bundle of joy. And I'm genuinely happy on everyone's behalf, I truly am.  But I'll also be honest and say, that I feel a little sting.  So I've been trying to dig into that wee sting, trying to figure …

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Forgiveness

After the birth of our darling Eik, I've been forced to work with forgiveness. The first and biggest part being, trying to forgive myself, for not being able to carry Eik to term and having him with us alive. For not giving my boyfriend his son to dote on. For not giving my eldest son, …

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Postpartum everything – without the baby.

Recently, I started to lose my hair, more than usual. My first thought was 'that's weird, last time I lost hair like this, was when J was a couple of months old' - and then the good old atomic bomb, in my insides exploded, for the billionth time. I literally feel like you do, after …

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Words matter

It's something we all know: words matter. But in this day and age, I often wonder, how often we think about this, especially regarding us from a younger generation. Never in my life, has words mattered to me more, than from the moment my water broke. Both the verbal, the written and the words not …

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Honesty

Lately I've been thinking a lot about honesty. When I see a blog post, that states that it is honest or about something that's hard to talk about, I get intrigued and it makes me want to read the post, more than the average post. I remember, one of my many thoughts, whilst establishing this …

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Mind-wanderer

It's pouring down, a symbol of how I'm feeling and I can't help thinking; if I were still carrying our darling baby - would our baby be kicking away? Would our baby have lots of hiccups like his big brother did? Would we still not know the gender? Would we've been coolheaded as we reckoned …

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The water that broke our world

It was a Friday, the 9th of June, a day like most others. I had been working on different things, reading, cleaned a bit in our flat and put laundry over. It was around 15 o’clock and I remember thinking ’No, enough is enough, you have to sit down now and relax and put your …

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The difficulty

Originally, when I established this blog, a few weeks back, the purpose, for me, was to write about different things but also to write about Eik, the loss we have suffered, the birth, our feelings and everything surrounding our darling Eiks death really. In reality, this has turned out harder than I thought. I thought …

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