The Doubt

So, I made a blog and I was pretty happy about. A little proud even.

And then BAM. The good old doubt hit me. ‘You can’t do this. You don’t have the technical skills. You don’t write well enough. Who would want to read your blabber’. Not to mention the 5 meter long to-do list in my head, that I should be getting on with, let alone find time for blogging.

Story of my life really. I get a great idea. And then often I think, ‘I can’t do that’ – and then I don’t. But this time was different. I believed I could – and I did and it was going quite ok. But then someone indicated I couldn’t and well, The Doubt swallowed me whole, along with life, going it’s good old 150 mph.

But no. I’m going to stick to my guns. I’m gonna write. I’m gonna blog. Why? Because even though, I’m writing this and I’m thinking ‘who cares what I write’ – the feeling that I felt, when I sat down on the chair and opened the computer, to write, is incomparable. I felt blissful. I felt a tingling of happiness, despite of a bad day.

Sorry for the silence, thanks for reading and hope you have a good day 🙂

Things I wish had written down in life

Since starting this blog, my mind has constantly been buzzing with ideas and I’m not even able to write them all down, it’s going so fast! Which led me to think about all the things I wish I had written down, during my life.

As mentioned, in my first blog post ‘At last’, I’ve wanted to make a blog, for a very long time. Even more so, I’ve wanted to write, ever since I can remember.

Since I was able to read, I have pretty much always had a book on me. As for so many people, this has led me to want to write: stories, novels, poems, just anything really. My biggest dream is to be able to write like Jodi Picoult. She uncovers areas not all people want to think or talk about. And the eloquence she does it with – I’m in absolute awe of her!

My self-esteem though – it’s like a unicorn really. A magnificent idea – but doesn’t actually exist. But hopefully, now that I have taken the plunge, creating this blog, I might gather a bit of unicorn stardust along the way 🙂

But back to the main subject – these are the things I wish I had written down, during my life:

  • All my bundled up feelings, when I was very ill, as a teenager.
  • The amazing experiences I had playing football, for years.
  • Teenagehood. My oh my, if only I had written then!
  • Every single detail of my eldest son J’s first year.
  • A survivors guide to my first serious heartbreak.
  • A day journal of the hilarious things J says 🙂
  • The ludicrous things my boyfriend S says, haha 🙂
  • A wonderful wee diary of all the amazing things S does, to support me ❤
  • Every minute detail of my pregnacny with Eik ❤
  • A heroine novel, about the nurse and doctor, who got us through the birth.

These are some of the things, I wish, I had written down, during my life. There are probably more but these are the ones I’ve been thinking about the last couple of days.

What do you wish, you had written down, in life?

Write you later ❤

The constant ambivalence

There’s a part of me, that’s thinking don’t write this, no one wants to read this.

But again, no, I’m finished with holding back. I’m writing this blog for a number of reasons but one of the really important reasons, for me, is that I want to bring awareness.

Awareness, to something that nobody wants to think about. Awareness to a subject that doesn’t correlate with our shiny Instagram-friendly-the-world-is-bright-and-perfect view, we sometimes tend to try and view the world with.

Infant death. I can feel that it’s a lot harder, writing just those words, than I expected. My constant go-to though, is that the worst has already happened, so I can do this.

As I’ve written in my ‘About’ section, my little family and I, lost our most precious little boy, Eik Sol, in June 2017. I will, as I get the courage, nerve and find the right words, write more about this, in the coming time.

Many, many things happen to you, as a person, when your child dies. But for me, bordering on 2 months later, what I mostly feel, currently, is a constant ambivalence.

A good example, is that it was my boyfriends birthday on Thursday and I took him out to dinner last night. We went to KöD Vesterbro (meat lovers paradise, can’t recommend it enough) and we had, with no comparison, the best meat I’ve ever had, lovely drinks and an all-round wonderful evening. But then we went on the bus. It was really loud, lots of people and a drunk and uncomfortable type of guy behind us. Suddenly I had to cling on to my boyfriends hand, concentrate on my breathing and try not to listen to the adorable sounds of two children speaking with their parents.

Even though I constantly think about Eik, even though he is always with me in my mind and the first thing I vision, as I wake up – his death still hits my body, like the hammer of Thor. It leaves me breathless, a thousand tears ready to be unleashed and a body that just wants to lie and wimp in a corner.

It leaves me constantly ambivalent. It truly was a great evening. But our baby wasn’t there. I wasn’t sitting, as we expected, with a big and beautiful bump, happy as can be.

I would give anything to change that. For Eik and for my family. But I can’t. There’s nothing I can say or do, that can change that.

The ambivalence tears me apart.

Beacause, can you ever truly enjoy something, after your child has passed?

Or will the guilt, that swallow me whole, whilst actually enjoying things a little bit, ever surrender?

 

 

So, who am I?

So, who am I?

My name is Rasmine, I’m 29 years old and I live in Copenhagen, Denmark, with my boyfriend and son. I’m born and raised in Denmark and half Scottish, which leads me to my blog name ‘Danglish Mum’.

Growing up, I had a parent who primarily spoke Scottish and my family and I, knowingly but mostly unknowingly, would make weird sentences and words, forming the third and funny language – Danglish. Furthermore, it was always so funny, thinking of either Danish or English sayings and try and think of them in the other language. A good old classic being ‘the prick over the I’ – that one still makes me smile 🙂

As a child, I remember of dreaming of being a host of things, like the first female president of the United States (let’s not even get started on that one, eh!), a book/movie/food reviewer, an author, a lawyer, a psychologist and many more.

But as most people, I suddenly found myself in the throes of teenage hood and was dumbfounded with the seriousness of life and didn’t know what was up and down. I am honestly just glad, that I got through those years! 🙂

At the age of 20, I gave birth to one of the most beautiful little boys, my oldest son J, with the most golden strawberry locks, I had ever seen. Shortly after his birth, I knew, what I wanted, to do with my life – to be a social worker.

I then went on to spend 5 and half years becoming a social worker, after my maternity leave, with life speeding away alongside, with its tumultuous ups and downs.

Approximately 1 and a half years ago, I finally got the courage, to tell, the love of my life, S, that I was and am in love with him – luckily, he felt the same 🙂

In late february 2017 I became pregnant – I felt, that at last, my life was just as I wanted it to be, I had moved in with my dream man, in a cosy apartment, had a big son who was and is, such a joy and  had landed my dream job 6 months prior.

Oh, how I miss that feeling.

 

At last!

For years I’ve wanted to make a blog but just never gotten around to it. And I will be honest and say, that there is a small part of me, that’s thinking, well, there are so many blogs out there, so why bother – but that’s a pretty good insight to my life really. I’m always thinking, I’ll do this and I’ll do that, or, when I’ve lost 10 kg. I’ll do adventurous things – but to heck with that, I’ve had 29 years of that.

I now know, regretfully so, that life can change in a heartbeat and we all really should get the most out of it and be grateful for what we have – and do the things we want to do, sooner, rather than later.

So, here I am. A blogger. At last!